Seeking what resonates versus surfacing difference
Note: bit of a rambling post as I try to figure out what’s bugging me about “resonate” and why I prefer attention to be placed on difference
A few years ago, I regularly participated in an online group that encouraged use of the phrase “that resonates with me.” At the time, the phrase was new to me, and I wondered where the group cultural norm of saying it had come from.
I’ve been thinking of it again, this time in relation to Systemic Modelling, because in Sys Mod we assume that “difference” is what needs attention. The 5 Senses Model “legitimizes difference.” Caitlin is well-known for saying “Who’s different to that?”
I had a fuzzy sense that giving attention to “difference” versus “resonance” matters for the way that individuals experience a group. This feels particularly relevant in Japan, where many people, self-identified Japanese and non-, take as truth that we are living in a high context culture where “reading the air”（空気を読む）and self-adjustment to produce harmony（和）is expected. This would suggest a national cultural preference for seeking resonance over difference; in which case, Systemic Modelling and the attention that it gives to difference has the potential to be an unwelcome source of cultural disruption.
Google Ngram Viewer is one of my favorite tools for getting a historical sense of words and phrases. Results stop at 2008, and so the graphs are not useful for showing very recent trends, but still we can see that “resonate” has indeed become a much more frequently used word.
October 9, 2019
When I looked at book titles, I was surprised to see that two of the top hits were for books related to evangelical Christianity. It seems, though, that this just shows my lack of contact with people from this cultural group. And when I saw that the other two books that were top hits were in the genre of persuasion and marketing, the evangelical connection made sense.
When I looked up “resonate with me,” it did not appear in book titles, but it did show up in excerpts from the texts. You can see that “resonate with me” is associated with an individual’s inward exploration of how they feel in relation to what is being offered.
What I notice most at this point is that people who want to persuade want to “resonate,” and individuals check in with themselves to determine whether and how something offered from outside “resonates with them” or not. Lack of resonance is a reason to leave a situation or not connect: “If you don’t resonate with me . . . , please find someone else.”
What if, however, you have a group of people who do not want to, or cannot, disconnect so easily when when they are not feeling resonance? Families are one obvious example of this kind of group. On any given day, the people that I most resonate with are often not family members. This does not mean that I want to “find someone else.” What’s another response that I could have when resonance isn’t happening?
In Systemic Modelling, differences between individuals are assumed and legitimized. As group members answer questions, the facilitator might periodically ask “So who thinks something different?” or “Who isn’t like that?” (Walker, From Contempt to Curiosity, p. 93). These questions disrupt the tendency for people to start answering in the same way and they make space for all responses to be included.
This legitimizing of difference does not guarantee group coherence, but it does, I believe, put groups on track to become “communities of epistemic trust” wherein every group member is respected as a “giver of knowledge” and the group as a whole is less likely to “miss out on a piece of knowledge” (Miranda Fricker, Epistemic Injustice, p. 17, 45-8).
Another way to express “legitimizing difference” is “normalizing difference.” At the Lowell School in Washington, DC, this is an educational goal from the youngest grades:
“We firmly believe that we cannot expect children to engage in fluent conversations around identity, equity, and inclusion if these topics are, in any way, “off limits” for young children. Instead, we believe that if we normalize difference and teach children how to share and appreciate difference, the groundwork for equity and inclusion conversations will be that much more firmly laid.”
For adults who were not formed by this kind of education and who do not have a boss or organization setting this stance, Systemic Modelling can be opportunity for adult transformational learning and culture change. Because Systemic Modelling works primarily with mental models, training and the attendant shifts have the potential to be more unexpected and more profound than trainings that work from predefined categories such as race or gender.
So, how does where we are now relate to the initial wondering about “seeking what resonates”? Resonance feels good. I like to feel “in sync” with the people I’m with. But always seeking resonance drives us toward affinity groups, and if we are always with people who resonate with us, we become easy targets for people who want to persuade us. No matter how comfortable, I don’t want to develop myself into a person who vibrates only on one known frequency, and I don’t want other people to do this either. “Seeking resonance” can feel self-motivated, but keep in mind that you can be more easily managed and manipulated if you’re in a group with a recognizable frequency. You will also be less likely to discover alternative frequencies and you will not know how to engage with people vibrating differently.
I strongly prefer a world where difference is legitimized and normalized, and I am provided with space, opportunities, and tools, to practice identifying, describing, and working with difference. I want communities of epistemic trust; I don’t want to miss out on a piece of knowledge because my prejudice keeps me from hearing someone as a giver of knowledge. In the past, I was part of a group that fell apart, and one of the causes that we agreed upon was “diversity fatigue.” We couldn’t figure out how to work with one another without feeling like our energy was being drained. If we had all been trained in Systemic Modelling, we still might have decided to disband, but the process of coming to that decision would have taken less energy and the quality of learning might have been higher.
These are very much thoughts in development, and if there happens to be a Systemic Modelling practitioner out there who identifies as as a “resonance seeker,” let’s talk!
